Cadu Martins

In the past, I used to think that I deserved more, but today I feel like I don't deserve anything, and that I'm not worthy of having good things in my life. I used to consider myself smart and handsome, but now I look in the mirror and see a stupid and ugly person. I wish I could get out of this body and live someone else's life—someone who is happy. But that would be pointless, as I would probably lose everything. After all, the problem is not the body; the problem is in my mind. When you see yourself as a loser, you become a loser; if you see yourself as a winner, you become a winner. In other words: you are what you think you are. But that's easier said than done. I mean, if you are a loser, how can you possibly see yourself as a winner? Somehow, we have to trick our own minds and tell ourselves a lie. That worked for me in the past, but now it doesn't work anymore; I'm losing the ability to lie to myself. So now I can only see myself for what I am, and what ...

While growing up, I was always the odd one out. My mother died when I was young, I didn't get along with my father, and my stepmother despised me. The only place I could look for genuine connections was in school, and yet nobody cared for me there, either. On our vacations, we would travel with my stepmother's family, who always respected me, but none of them could actually love me—after all, I wasn't really part of their family. The only people who really loved me were my aunts and my grandmother, and when I was a child, staying at their place was my favorite thing to do on weekends. However, from a young age, I knew what it was like to feel alone, even in a room full of people, and my whole life I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. So, naturally, I moved out when I was 18 years old—or should I say, ran away when I was 18 (but that's a story for another day). Living alone only increased the loneliness that was already rooted inside me. So I started to travel all o...

Living is not easy; there is no instruction manual showing us how to live. But perhaps we can make one, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'm not exactly an expert—after all, I'm still young, and it's my first time living—but I can try my best to write down everything I have learned so far. The most logical place to start would be with the most important things, and I have no doubt that the most important thing in life is to be able to control it and be the master of your own journey. Think about that for a moment: are you in control of your own life? Imagine that your life is a ship: to steer it in the direction you want to go, you must be at the helm. And if you don't steer the ship, you will be carried away by the tides of your impulses. If you're lucky enough, you won't hit an iceberg of failure, but you can't always count on luck. Regaining control is the first step to reaching your intended destination. But before thinking about how to r...

In my previous text, I talked about philosophy and made it clear that I think it's better than religion. However, religion has one main advantage: it's easier to follow. After you choose a religion, all you have to do is live by its rules. Every major religion has a book that serves as a guide for those who believe in it. Christians have the Bible, and Muslims have the Quran. But when it comes to philosophy, things are not so simple. Even if you choose to follow one kind of philosophy in particular, there won't be a single book about it; instead, there will be plenty to choose from, and some might even contradict each other, because philosophy is not an absolute truth. Yet, I've been wondering lately if living without absolute truths is a good thing. I always preferred questions over answers, valued the ability to think over acting, and prized ideas over reality. But that's not enough for me anymore. I guess when you reach 25, you start looking for more stability—no...

In Ancient Greece and the Roman Empire, philosophy was much more popular. People would reconcile their spiritual beliefs with the reflections and morals that philosophy has to offer. The downfall of philosophy began with the spread of Christianity, as one of the main "rules" of Christianity is that you can't believe in anything else, apart from the word of God. In the Middle Ages, looking for knowledge outside of the church was considered blasphemy, so people would generally stay away from things like science and philosophy, because they were told that God's truth was the only thing they needed. It's fair to say that Christianity also has its own philosophy, but most of it doesn't have another explanation other than "that's what God wants." And that's the main difference between religion and philosophy: while philosophy endorses thinking and asking questions, religion praises the exact opposite. Perhaps that's why people prefer Christiani...

When I first became an adult 7 years ago, my social life changed considerably. The moment you stop going to school, you don't see your old friends every day anymore, and making new ones becomes a massive challenge. For the first few years of my adulthood, things were even harder because I wasn't working and I wasn't going to college, and outside of those environments, it is almost impossible to socialize. Of course, people always suggest going to bars or parties, but that never worked for me. I don't drink alcohol, and I really don't like the kind of music that plays at most parties here in Brazil. Going to those places completely alone meant I couldn't really enjoy myself, so it wasn't a real option. All I had left was the internet. I got to meet hundreds of people online, but it never translated into real-life friendships. We could never actually go out and hang out. Most of the time, it was because we were just too different, or simply because the other p...

Sometimes I wonder: am I crazy, or am I the only normal person in the world? Craziness is a subjective term; it can be used to describe someone with mental health issues, or a person who simply behaves or thinks differently from the majority. If we go by the first definition, then being crazy is a bad thing, but if we use the second definition, it is definitely a good thing. My experiences showed me that age is no indicator of intelligence or maturity. I don't claim to be smarter than everyone else, but I believe that I have a basic understanding of life that many older people seem to lack. As a child, I used to think that adults had something special, but after growing up I learned that most adults are just childish individuals, unaware of their own flaws. The only special thing about them is their ability to hide who they truly are. To be a "normal" adult is to go out drinking, smoking, shouting, fornicating, and disrespecting others. If you don't do these things, y...

It has been almost three months since the last time I wrote anything, and the reason for that is simple: I didn't have the time. I've been working two jobs since February, and I have to say, it was not a good idea. Last time, I talked about the new job I found and how good it was, but I also mentioned that I was going to keep working as an English teacher, remember? Well, that decision turned out to be a mistake. In my new job as a surveillance operator, I work a 12-hour shift with 36 hours off, and that's totally fine. But when you add a 12-hour shift to four hours of teaching, it suddenly becomes too much. I've been sleeping poorly, eating poorly, and basically living poorly for these past couple of months. And that's why I decided to quit the English school. Today is only the first day I'm free from that obligation, and I was already able to focus and get things done. I don't know exactly what happens when we sleep; all I know is that it does wonders for ...

After spending one month looking for a job in my new city, I've finally found one. It's actually not that hard to find work, there are options literally everywhere. The problem is that most of them aren't good. I didn't want to get just any random job with long hours and a low salary, otherwise, I could've found work in less than a week. But of course, I wouldn't want to stay in any of those jobs for long, so it would be pointless to even start. In the end, I managed to get a job as a surveillance operator in a big company. I'm going to start working there in two weeks, and I'm very excited about it! I intend to keep working as an English teacher (after all, I like teaching) but it'll no longer be my main source of income, it's only going to be something that I do in my free time. But even though my new job has a good salary and is something that I'll probably enjoy, I found myself thinking, "How long will I stay in this job?". You ...

Today I forgot my phone charger, so I decided to write. The fact that I wouldn't be writing if I hadn't forgotten the charger is a bit sad. But since the only things I have are a pen and paper, I don't have another option. Sometimes that's the only way to make ourselves do something: by eliminating all distractions, voluntarily or not. It has been a while since the last time I wrote on paper. I usually write directly on my blog because writing on paper feels like an unnecessary step if I have to type everything on the computer anyway. However, I understand why some people prefer the traditional way, writing by hand takes longer, which forces us to think more deeply. I just moved to a city called Indaiatuba, that's where I am right now. I used to live in Valinhos, which is less than an hour away by car. Why did I move here? It certainly wasn't for the weather, this city is hot as hell, just like every other city in the region. I moved here because this city is tw...