Out of Place

While growing up, I was always the odd one out. My mother died when I was young, I didn't get along with my father, and my stepmother despised me. The only place I could look for genuine connections was in school, and yet nobody cared for me there, either. On our vacations, we would travel with my stepmother's family, who always respected me, but none of them could actually love me—after all, I wasn't really part of their family. The only people who really loved me were my aunts and my grandmother, and when I was a child, staying at their place was my favorite thing to do on weekends.

However, from a young age, I knew what it was like to feel alone, even in a room full of people, and my whole life I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. So, naturally, I moved out when I was 18 years old—or should I say, ran away when I was 18 (but that's a story for another day). Living alone only increased the loneliness that was already rooted inside me. So I started to travel all over the country, hoping to find somewhere I belonged, or someone who would make me want to stay. Sometimes I got close, but something would always go wrong, and I would find myself right back where I started.

Meanwhile, my grandmother always asked God to let her live at least until I was 20 years old, and somehow that's exactly what happened: she died only a couple of weeks after my 20th birthday. I don't believe in God, but that was a remarkable coincidence. I guess I could've been more present in the last few years of her life, but her mind was already gone by the time her body passed away. As of today, I wouldn't say that I have found the place where I belong, but I've made peace with the fact that such a place may only exist in my dreams.

I suppose, in the end, it doesn't matter where you are, as long as you have someone you love by your side. You could find happiness even on the moon if you're with someone who loves you. On the other hand, depending on the company, it's better to stay alone because some people constantly put us down instead of bringing us joy. Some don't do it on purpose, but it's better to cut all contact with these kinds of people for our own sake.

In short, there's no paradise awaiting us anywhere; we have to find it within ourselves by managing the company we keep, creating new meaningful connections, and avoiding toxic people.